Konoha Boarding School
by Natarii-loves-Chocolate-milk
Summary: Sasuke thought his middle school had been bad enough. Then his parents decided to ship him off to a 'haunted' boarding school in the middle of nowhere with his idiot-best-friend and his Out-Of-Bounds Sister. SasuNaruko. Bad Humour, OC & OOOC Warning.


**KONOHA BOARDING SCHOOL**

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><p>Sasuke thought his middle school had been bad enough. Then his parents decided to ship him off to a <em>'haunted'<em> boarding school in the middle of nowhere with his idiot-best-friend, scary-best-friend, his stalker, and his idiot-best-friend's out-of-bounds sister. He quickly changed his mind. Slight SasuNaruko, OOC, OC, & bad humour attempt warnings apply.

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><p><strong>CHAPTER I<br>~:: A NEW SCHOO****L ::~  
>KONOHA'S NEW ARRIVALS!<strong>

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><p><em>Don't do this and don't do that!<br>What are they trying to do? Make a good boy of you?  
>But do they know where it's at?<br>Don't criticize, they're old and wise.  
>Do as they tell you to -<br>don't want the Devil to come and pull out your eyes__**!**_

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><p><strong>'School' ~ Supertramp.<strong>

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><p>Sasuke often wondered if he had offended the gods of karma (usually when one of the Uzumaki twins dragged him into one of their pranking messes), but sitting in the passenger seat of his brother's car, he <em>knew<em> he had pissed one of them off.

He hadn't even done anything, and he'd still ended up dragged into the mess when the idiot and his sister (who could be just as much of a dumb blonde when she got into pranking mode) got caught filling the school water system with red food colouring.

He didn't know how they had managed to get so much food colouring into the water system in the first place, but of course Naruko had to drag him into it by grabbing his ear and hiding in the janitors cupboard when her brother had messed up with the diversion.

That had resulted in _her_ food-colouring stained uniform getting _his_ all messed up (he had been dragged into a cupboard - there hadn't been much avoiding any of it). Which inevitably implicated him in the stupid mess too.

To make matters even worse, his parents had given him a three hour standing lecture on dragging their favourite neighbours' daughter into _'compromising places'_, and a horrible reiteration of the sex education talk (not to mention Naruto's new belief that he was stalking his sister).

He'd been grounded for the duration of his two week suspension – to Itachi's eternal amusement no doubt – and during that time his parents had decided that his apparent _'need to rebel' _meant he needed more specialised education.

Boarding school. They had shipped him off to a fucking _boarding school_. The twins themselves were in the same predicament (though something about the smug smirk hidden on Naruko's face told him she wasn't feeling quite as guilty as she looked), as were two more girls from his year.

Not that Talia or Sakura had been innocent, victimised bystanders in the twins' tomfoolery. Sakura had been going beforehand, thinking it would better her future medical career, and the blue devil had simply decided to terrorize his life even more by following. Sasuke presumed that meant Talia was bored.

After pulling up the driveway, Sasuke gingerly stepped out of the car (trying to avoid the muddy gravel) and took a look at his would-be home for the next three years.

It was an old building split over two levels with white walls, hidden amongst a copse of large old horse chestnut trees. The track back to the main road was long, and the nearby fields were occupied by an odd number of horses. He couldn't see another building of any size for miles.

Sasuke thanked the gods of karma that laptops had been allowed, and hoped to god the place had an internet connection. That being said, he doubted there would be anything faster than a dail-up connection through the phone line.

"Sasuke! You're here already? That's great! We can go head on up to our room before the other guys get here!"

Glower setting onto his features from the second he heard Naruto's voice, Sasuke turned it towards the idiot he called his best friend. He'd been dragged into many a disaster by Naruto (and probably twice as many by his sister), but this one _really_ made his teeth grind.

Boarding school. This idiot and his inability to plan properly had landed him in a fucking boarding school. His sister was partly at fault for dragging him into the janitors cupboard too, but that had only been because of Naruto's inability to plan ahead in the first place

That, and he may have secretly enjoyed being stuck in a cupboard with Naruto's sister, and he didn't really want to get on her bad side by killing her brother. Though if he got dragged into any more of the idiot's escapades, he might rethink that decision. Not even Naruko would stay mad forever...

In any case, Sasuke was busy taking silent issue with Naruto's free use of the words _'our room'_. If that idiot though he was going to share a room with him for three whole years then he had another thing coming. Something fist-like.

"That's probably one of your better ideas Naruto. Though I have to wonder why you didn't send the majority of your luggage on ahead. Your going to have some problems getting it all inside the..." Itachi commented, far too nonchalantly for Sasuke's comfort.

Glancing down suspiciously at his bag, Sasuke hoisted the messenger bag in front of him and unzipped the main pocket. Pulling his unwanted acceptance letter from his bag, he skipped to the back sheets of the letter that contained the lodging information and the map of the grounds.

He hadn't paid any attention to it before – which he felt well within his rights considering he hadn't even _wanted_ to come to this stupid school – but it did have his room number indicated on it. Quickly glancing around the map of accommodation rooms for his own name, his fingers gripped the paper viscously when he found it.

Specifically, when he found it in a plan of a twin room next to Naruto's. About the only benefit was that it was a mixed dorm, and he wasn't three rooms away from Naruko's (Talia's was next door too), and Sakura's was thankfully down another hallway. Other than that...

No, there was no other than that. He was being stuffed into a twin room with his idiotic (and possibly ADHD) best friend for two years with little to no modern civilisation anywhere in sight. He was being sent to his own personal hell.

"...probably right, but I wanted to make sure I had everything. My sister said she'd be bringing some stuff along tomorrow too. Probably some of our clothes that I haven't got..." Naruto muttered in response to whatever Itachi had been saying.

"_'our clothes'_? You share clothes with your sister?" Itachi asked with a mocking little lilt in his tone.  
>"Well, not her <em>skirts<em> or stuff... I dunno if she's actually got any cept for school though. She just steals mine and Kyuubi's stuff really..." Naruto replied quickly.

Sasuke headed to the back of the car and pulled his laptop case from the back seat. Slamming the door behind him, he deliberately yanked on Naruto's ears to drag him away from conversation with his brother, and towards the dormitory wing instead.

"What the hell? Get the fuck off me asshole!" Naruto yelped, near dropping half of the stuff he was dragging along behind him as Sasuke yanked on his ear.

"Since you've dragged me into this mess of yours the least you can do is deal with the fall out properly!" Sasuke grated.

Aside from making a good point he wanted to get away from his insane brother as quickly as he could before the jerk could make this mess any-

"You should keep an eye on him tomorrow Naruto, since the girls will be arriving and all. You wouldn't want him stalking Naruko again!"

-worse than it already was. Itachi's last annoyingly unnecessary comment earned a growl from the blonde boy being dragged along beside him.

Sasuke had rolled his eyes when Naruto had first started his_ 'Sasuke-is-stalking-my-sister' _phase, but thanks to recent events, the idiot actually had some basis of belief in his delusions. Not that they were _completely_ unfounded, but that wasn't the point.

The point was, it was a pain in the ass, and Sasuke was not interested in getting into _that_ particular mess if he could avoid it. As such, he quickly let go of Naruto and headed for the main entrance without him. Unfortunately, Naruto had decided to take Itachi's offhand comment seriously.

"I'll see you again when the October holidays start Sasuke!" Itachi called from the car cheerfully.

Several colourful swear words spilled form Sasuke's lips as her stomped up the driveway and flipped of his brother over his back.

If he was going to be stuck here he might as well take a leaf out of Naruto's book and piss someone else off in the process. If only to soothe his horribly bruised ego.

* * *

><p>After talking with a short brown-haired woman in a whit coat to get directions (since the stupid map was apparently useless), Sasuke headed along behind his errant friend towards the stairs.<p>

The idiot had been talking with a brown haired boy, and as such completely missed the woman's warnings about room tidiness, appropriate dress code, and the wobbly step third from the bottom on the first flight of stairs.

Naruto promptly fell over on it and took up the whole stairwell with his bags in the process. Rolling his eyes, Sasuke promptly stepped over him. Or tried to – the boy really had managed to occupy the entire stairwell in his landing.

"You idiot, Move! Naruto, get out of my way moron..." he snapped, some how managing to navigate between Naruto and all his bags of crap.

"I'm not a moron!" Naruto grated in reply, picking up his bags and following him up the stairs.

Sasuke would agree partially with that statement. Naruto could be smart when the occasion suited him. The fact that he and his sister had managed to dye their old school's water supply blood red _completely undetected_ until the deed was done was proof that, somewhere in the bowels of his skull, he did have a semblance of a brain.

It was a pity the only occasions that suited him to use it usually landed innocent bystanders like himself in shit creek along with him. As such, Sasuke would continue to address his best friend as _'moron'_. He didn't have much common sense anyway.

Like tying to take all his stuff up the stairs in one go. Why on earth didn't he have the sense to let the school pick up all this stuff when the suitcases were sent on ahead like everyone else? More the point, what on earth had he brought to need so many bags? He could swear to the gods there was _jingling_ coming from one of them...

"What did you even bring with you anyway?" he asked, stopping on the rising steps and turning to face the blonde boy following him.

"I just brought … you know... stuff..." Naruto replied, glancing first to the bag and then towards him looking rather confused.

"Stuff?" Sasuke repeated, wondering if he really wanted to know what Naruto had stuffed into his plastic carrier bags and rucksack after all.

"Uh, this stuff... that stuff and... twister..." Naruto replied shuffling through his bags before holding up a vividly printed cardboard box he held in one hand.

"Why did you bring _twister?_" Sasuke asked, staring at the box in horrified resignation.

Really, it was too much to hope for that Naruto would pack something he actually needed. Why had expected any different? Didn't the idiot have any sense of guilt? No, he was probably too busy thinking of his next scheme to get the both of them expelled...

"Well the girls are gonna be coming in tomorrow..." Naruto replied as if it explained everything.

After a few moments, Sasuke did manage to pick up on Naruto's point. And once again found himself wondering just how Naruto's idiocy had managed to survive Sakura's thunder fists all these years.

"We're here for_ school _Naruto..." Sasuke reminded, trying to keep his building frustrations under control.

He hadn't even been here for half an hour or been inside his room yet and he was already loosing his temper. Maybe he should have listened to Itachi when he suggested keeping one of those stress balls around when he was talking to Naruto...

"So?"  
>"Uh, we're here for work, not play, <em>work<em>."  
>"...So?" Naruto repeated, the same oblivious look on his face as before.<p>

After a moment of staring at him Sasuke turned on his heel and headed up the next flight of stairs. There was absolutely no point trying to talk with this moron. Not if he wanted an intelligent conversation. He sadly wouldn't get one of those until the girls arrived the next day.

"You need to grow up. Read a book or something..." he muttered as he turned, only half-caring if Naruto actually heard him. Several moments later, he heard another reply that had him using the one-to-ten method of anger control.

"Why the hell would I read a book?"

* * *

><p>Heading down the hallway Sasuke glanced down at his map of the building to confirm he was in the right hallway, Naruto's elephantine footsteps echoing behind him.<p>

"Which room is it?" said blonde asked as Sasuke started to turn down one of the hallways.

One he noted to be opening directly in front of what would be Naruko's room. Lucky brat, getting her own room. Why the hell didn't he and Naruto have their own rooms? He knew the other boys attending had rooms of their own from the map!

This was going to be hell, and he was certain that this double room gaffe was Naruto's fault too...

"It's that one there" he replied unenthusiastically with a nod towards the room directly at the end of the hall.

Seconds later he found himself slammed into an unclosed door as Naruto attempted to barge past him. Falling through the door, Sasuke glanced around the room and recognised one of the innumerable dalmatian plush toys owned by Talia.

"Naruto...!" he growled menacingly.

Hearing a loud crashing clatter in the hall, he crawled back onto his hands and knees and peered around the door. Still recovering his bearings he didn't quite realise what he was seeing as he let out his complaints.

"Naruto you idiot you knocked me in one of the girls'... rooms. What the...?"

the idiot had managed to trip over his own feet and fall through the doorway of their own room in the process. How he had done this considering he hand nothing but thin air and his own shadow to fall over was a mystery, but he had done it all the same.

He hadn't even set foot in the room itself yet and he was already destroying the building... discarding the one to ten anger method, Sasuke stomped to his feet and shoved his way around the blond disaster that he was cursed to be perpetually glued to.

"Get out of the way!" he growled, barging past the blockage and into the room itself.

Two twin beds, two chairs, a cupboard, a big-ish window, some sort of display cabinet and a decent enough table between the two single beds.

He supposed it could have been worse (the showers in the boys' bathroom could have been _communal_ for one), but the fact that he would be stuck in this room for every night of his remaining school career with _Naruto_ made up for that in spades.

"Moron... This is your fault..." he muttered, running his finger along the desk in search of dust as Naruto regained his footing.

Too quickly for Sasuke's liking. Naruto launched himself bags of crap and all onto the bed had just been about to take a seat on (and therefore claim as his).

"Bed!" Naruto crowed delightedly, oblivious to the thundercloud that was building above him.  
>"That's my bed – beat it!" Sasuke snapped, tring to drag the blonde boy off the bed (and therby vent some of his frustration before he killed... something).<p>

Fuck off! Hell no! I got it first!" Naruto grouched back, fighting just as hard to stay on the bed.

Before any real fighting could break out, Sasuke's eyes landed on Naruto precious board game, and he dived for the stupid thing. Naruto quickly dived to protect the cardboard box, and the simplest of logic, an all out tug-of-war ensued.

"If you _touch_ the twister-"  
>"Screw the bloody twister! You're on that bed!" Sasuke yelled, interrupting the blonde and throwing the infernal box onto the opposite bed.<p>

Naruto dived after it as if it were gold, landing with a thud on the bed opposite, before turning to glare at the sudden ploy's creator. Sasuke glared right back, before starting out of the room, but not without a quick vocal retort to his new room-mate.

"I'm going to get my stuff. That's my bed! Stay off of it!" he snapped, before heading back down to Talia's room and regaining his momentarily lost shoulder bag and laptop case.

Upon entering the room again, he found Naruto rummaging away in his rucksack with far too much vigour to have completely innocent thoughts in mind. He watched for a moment, then remembered that pretending to be oblivious was what had landed him in this mess in the first place.

"What are you doing?" he demanded quickly.

Naruto whirled around with an obvious expression of guilt, pulling his bag behind him rather conspicuously, and yet another silent staring match ensued.

"Like I'm telling you" Naruto replied, finally relenting under Sasuke's glare.

In that moment, Sasuke felt that this would sum up the majority of his time with Naruto. Arguing, glaring, and inevitably some violent wrestling matches. True this happened every day, but that wasn't the point.

It wasn't that he had a problem with being put in the same room as his best friend, considering they had know each others families most of their lives but Sasuke had never been in a confined space with Naruto for a long period of time.

He could stand a day, even a week. He'd been on holiday with the Uzumakis before, so he'd had to. The only difference with that was that he'd been able to get some space of his own despite sharing a hotel room. Stuck in a fairly confined boarding school for the next two years was something altogether different.

That was just hell on earth, in Sasuke's personal opinion. The only bright spot was that Naruko was stuck in the same building, just down the hall even. Unfortunately, she was also partially responsible for his current imprisonment.

So his bonus wasn't much of a bonus really. He knew better than to say all that though, so he simply proceeded to place his bags on his bed.

"I don't trust you. Stay away form my stuff. If you've broken my laptop I'll kill you..." he stated bluntly, before turning towards the door again.

"I'm going to inform reception that we've arrived. Don't do anything stupid... But then again, it is _you_, isn't it?" he finished, before heading down the hall once again.

He knew he shouldn't have added the little barb at the end, but really, what else was to be expected of him? He'd been dragged to boarding school because Naruto couldn't plan his pranks properly! Surely he was entitled to be at the very least snippy with the idiot?

"Hey, I heard that you bastard!" Naruto yelled, the thudding of his elephantine feet growing closer behind him.

There – they were already going to fight. Not even an hour after arriving! Sasuke was going to find out which imbecile was responsible for the room assignments, and then hoodwink Naruto into pranking the bastard the second he did.

After all, he had to get revenge one way or another.

* * *

><p>"...And for god's sake Naruko, <em>don't<em> let your brother loose his grade average or get any more black marks on his record! He only got in on a Sports Scholarship so he needs to keep his grades at least at C-levels!" Kushina Uzumaki yelled from the passenger window of the red people-carrier.

Naruko Uzumaki gave up on grinding her teeth together and instead yelled her reply back at her mother.

"I've got it Ma! I got it the first time you told me! Along with making sure he puts his laundry, remembers his snoring medication, and stays away from the shellfish! I got it the other fifty times too!" she hollerd back, finally loosing her already thin-spread patience.

Sakura and Talia snickered as they pulled their shoulder bags on, and Naruko shot a glare at her best friends. So much for moral support from those two, but really, why did that surprise her?

"Don't snip at your mother like that young lady – the same goes for you too. You're here on the Arts Scholarship, so you can't afford any of the shenanigans you got up to back in Tanzaku either!" Minato scolded, leaning over the joystick and hand-break to peer out of his wife's window so as to better scold.

"...we can't afford the school-fees just yet, so for this term, you two had better keep your heads down! You've already been expelled from one school! If you think we're mad now then I dare you to try doing it again..."

Naruko shuddered at her father's words – if that last lecture had been anything to go by, then she sure as hell didn't want to see what the next level of anger was like. She was already walking on thin ice, no thanks to _Naruto's_ stupid food-dye idea.

She knew it had been a bad idea to go along with it! Rather than listen to her instinct however, she had joined in, flooded the school bathrooms, accidentally blown up a sink, turned the water supply red, and then accidentally dragged Sasuke into the whole mess (he still wasn't speaking to her for that, and it had been over six weeks ago...).

"I _get it_ Daddy – no shenanigans..." Naruko grumbled, grumpily poking at the muddy track with one of her boots.

She didn't mind the country – it was actually kinda nice here – but the mud was going to take some getting used to. She hoped to god there weren't many bugs. Naruko wasn't what one would call squeamish, but she wasn't exactly fond of them either.

"...and _one more thing_ young missy!" her mother interjected.

Naruko gave an internal grimace at the tone – for some reason, she didn't want to know what was coming next. Not that she wanted to be lectured in the first place, but it was really her own fault for listening to her idiot brother again...

"...next time you want to give Sasuke the run around, have the sense to pick somewhere better than a bloody _broom cupboard!_"

Naruko groaned in both frustration and embarrassment; this wouldn't be half as bad if her mother didn't know she had a thing for their neighbours' youngest son, but the fact that she _did_ made the cupboard dragging scenario all the worse...

"Ma, for the last time, I didn't give him the-"  
>"I mean, for god sakes, if you can dye the schools water supply red without getting caught, surely you could have come up with at least <em>one<em> convincing excuse to skip school for the day rather than romp around in amongst some smelly mops and-"

"_Ma!_"  
>"Honey, leave it be. Not only are you embarrassing her, you're <em>encouraging<em> her..."  
>"You shush it Minato – she gets her attitude from <em>you <em>anyway,.."

Naruko his her face in her hands. Why couldn't her mother be more like Mama Miki? Sasuke's mother was so nice and calm... True, she couldn't cook anything for beans, but she was so calm... And she so did not get her attitude from her father! No way in _hell_ did she get it from her _father..._

Her father was a police man. He mother had a few minor infringements. It was how they met. Her mother flashed her boobs at him after being arrested for chaining herself to something (Naruko forgot the details as to what). So no, she and her brother did not get their attitude form their poor, straight-laced father.

Naruko knew better than to tell her mother that though.

Her father gave her a weary grin as her mother's ranting seemed to draw to a close,and Naruko gave him a sarcastic one in return (she picked that up from Sasuke and Itachi).

"...besides, Sasuke's a _lovely_ boy. A little slow on some matters, a bit rough around the edges perhaps, but that's nothing she can't kick out of him. I mean, look how long it for him to realise she'd hit puberty...!"

Naruko groaned again as her mother spiralled off on another tangent. Then she considered the thought of _'kicking'_ Sasuke's _'rough edges'_ out of him, and shuddered at the thought of what would happen to her afterwards.

"... Anyway Naruko, if you _do_ manage to knock some sense into Sasuke's brain, then for god's sakes, remember three things: Food – one of the best ways to snag a man is to keep him fed. I doubt that's how Mikoto snagged old Fugu-face, but that's besides the point..." she started.

Naruto had admit, Mama Miki was a genuinely terrible cook, but she wasn't much better. If this was what her mother was suggesting, she had clearly lost the last of her few screws completely.

"...it worked like a charm on your father, and given what _Mikoto_ passes off as home cooking, your food will look like _haute-cuisine_ in comparison to Sasuke, so start fattening him up..." Kushina started, leaning on the frame of the door through the window with a pointed finger in her daughter's direction instructively.

Naruko wished the ground would swallow her; her dad looked like he either wanted to strangle someone (presumably his wife) or cry, and the silent raucous laughter of her friends some distance behind her just echoed her embarrassment all the more.

"...then Flattery – you don't have to _mean_ it all the time, but you're a woman. You should be able to lie through your teeth to a man on sheer _principle_. Men have sensitive egos! You have to keep them at a certain level if you don't want them to run off with their tail between their legs like your Pappi Jiraiya..."

Alright, that, she could sort of agree with. She had grow up with both brothers of the Uchiha family, and gods, did they not like having their ego bruised. She had commented that Sasuke's hair looked kinda silly after he woke up late and got to school without having brushed it once.

Now he spent at least half an hour controlling it with hair gel, brushes, combs and even small straighteners in the mornings. He took the gel to school with him too. He had more bloody stuff for his hair than she did, and hers was over five times as long!

All because of one tiny little comment when they were eight years old... So yes, as far as flattery was concerned, her mother wasn't talking _complete_ bullcrap. Maybe she did know something after all, even if she had given Naruto his brain...

"...and lastly, don't even think about trying _anything_ without using Contraception."  
><em>"Ma!"<br>"Kushina!"_

"Oh for the love of god Minato, she's a teenager! Just because _you_ were a virgin at her age doesn't mean they _all_ have to be! It's best to experiment early anyway_,_ it saves embarrassment later on! Just as long as the preggie-eggy thing doesn't start, it's perfectly normal...!"

Naruko had never fainted in her life but she felt like now would be an absolutely wonderful time to start. Why did her mother have to be such a complete _nut-job?_

"We'll see you at the parents night in February..." her father mouthed at her from behind her mother's horribly colourful advice and starting the car.

Naruko nodded very quickly, and her father finally started the engine and started heading back out of the drive to the school doors.

"Have a good time sweetheart, and don't do anything I wouldn't do! Remember! Food, Flattery, and Contraception!" her mother yelled, leaning out of the passenger window, waving, and blowing a few kisses.

Naruko felt like crying as the car drove away, and her two friends howled with laughter behind her.

* * *

><p>After her so-called friends had finished laughing at her, Naruko picked up her own bag, and then the several others that had been handed to her belonging to her brother.<p>

One included all his sports equipment that had to be ordered from the school, and the other, his actual uniform, though she highly doubted he would ever wear it right. She certainly wasn't sticking with the regulation skirt. She'd never owned a skirt that was below her knees in her life and she wasn't going to start now.

She was glad all her stuff was already her, having been shipped over during the holidays. It meant she only had the bag she'd used on the 8 hour car journey with her, along with the stuff belonging to her brother that had only arrived yesterday.

Hence why she had to arrive on the day of the opening/welcome thing-a-ma-bob.

"Okay girls... this is it..." Sakura murmured in anxious excitement as she opened the door into the schools main hallway.

The stars were old, spiralling upwards to the upper floor of the dormitory. Through one door Naruko could see what looked like the medical room, and through another a sort of common-room. She knew all the rooms were on the upper level, but she hadn't paid that much attention to the map.

She'd been too busy trying to block out her mother's madness with her headphones.

"Which way is it?" she asked, glancing up the stairs curiously.

There seemed to be a turn off to another part of the building about halfway up, and Sakura glanced at the map, Talia peering over her shoulder.

Naruko wished she could have the same enthusiasm about this place as her friends did, but that would entail caring about things like... well subjects more complicated than maths and chemistry (like physics) or not pulling pranks, or getting up on time...

that her friends had got in on the regular test and she was here in a mix of '_no-other-school-wanted-the-uzumaki-twins'_/minor artistic talent didn't bother her much if she thought about it that way.

"I think it's that way" Sakura said after a long moment, pointing right at the turning point on the stairs.

Sakura Haruno was Naruko's best female friend. Female added because her best friend was, in spite of ludicrousness, her twin brother. The title had been stolen from him by Sasuke for a while, but of course, she matured before he did.

She had figured out the slight difference between the relationships, and was just waiting to see if Sasuke would do the same. She had a feeling if he did, it wouldn't be long coming if the last shock-tactic she'd employed before the holidays was worth anything.

In any case, Sakura was her best female friend. They had gone to the same nursery, the same primary school, and attended the same martial arts club until Naruko took more of an interest in the art club.

Sakura had a normally soft personality, and could be easily upset, but press the wrong button or push her too far and all that martial arts training would come out with a nasty personality and bite you on the arse. Naruko often wondered why she wanted to be a doctor of all things.

"Where are our rooms?" their companion asked.

Talia Mizukari was a blue-haired and eyed girl, whom had been introduced to Naruko and Sakura by Sasuke some years ago. Sasuke had know her since he graduated from nappies, back in the town he lived in before moving to Tanzaku.

She was fairly calm, quiet, and level headed compare to Sakura and herself, but considering Sasuke was more scared of her than his own parents, Naruko took that to mean the girl had her crazy side too (which was probably why they all got along in the first place).

She hadn't seen it yet though, other than her obsession with blue. Talia believed _everything_ went with blue – even if it most assuredly did _not._

"You're right next door to Naruto and Sasuke!" Sakura grinned.  
>"<em>Lovely<em>..." Talia muttered in a voice positively dripping sarcasm.

"At least you have a wall between you – I had to share a room with Naruto for _twelve years_. Trust me, you don't want to hear him snore at that close a distance..." Naruko muttered.

Sakura continued to grin at the two of them before bolting towards the stairs.

"Last one to the top does the first round of maths homework!" she called, an evil cackle in her voice.

Naruko and Talia blinked, glanced at each other, then paled and bolted after the pink-haired girl.

* * *

><p>Naruto Uzumaki was in the midst of battling a horde zombies on his hand held games console when the first of several bags was thrown at his head, followed by the noise of several larger ones being dumped on the floor.<p>

Glancing up, he found his twin sister standing by the door, an irritated look on her face that, despite the fact he was most likely _not_ the cause, was bound to be his fault in some way or another.

"When did you get here?" he asked.  
>"Hello to you to, little brother" she greeted sarcastically.<p>

"Stop calling me that – you sound like Itachi. It's fucking creepy..." Naruto shuddered.  
>"Well obviously, who do you think I got it from? <em>Kyuubi?<em>" the blonde girl snorted.

Naruto considered the thought of his older brother acting like Sasuke's and shivered. That just felt _wrong_ for some reason.

"Your sports stuff is outside my room. As is your uniform. I couldn't carry the uniform on it's hanger though, so I stuffed it in the green rucksack... I think you messed up the order form though... It looked a little... off" Naruko stated, frowning in confusion at something.

"Gee thanks, the introduction is this afternoon and I'll have a crumpled uniform. You're so _kind_ Sis" he snipped sarcastically.

"if it bothers you that much then learn to _iron_" she snipped through gritted teeth.  
>"Shut it! You're as bad as me, and even worse at cooking! Your kinda bad at being a girl y'know. You'll never get a boyfriend that way..." her replied nonchalantly, picking up his games console again.<p>

There was a growl from the already uniformed blonde at the end of his bed, and then another plastic bag full of clothes pelted him in the face.

"You shut it! At least I _try! _You're just a lazy ass! I wish I'd never listened to you! All you got was a lecture, _me?_ I get my ear chewed off for letting you get away with it, then I get all the_ 'make sure Naruto keeps his grades up!_' talk, and then I get penalised for getting stuck in a cupboard with Sasuke _the wrong freaking way...!_" she yelled.

She looked so scarily like their mother that he actually backed into his headboard.

Naruto felt like saying several things on the Sasuke subject, but he knew better. Naruko had inherited the Uzumaki temper tenfold compared to him, and for another... he had a sinking filing that the time of the month that turned girls into demons from hell was close by. Very close by.

He sure as hell wasn't going to get on her bad side. Though that being said, he couldn't _wait_ until Sasuke caught her on one of her really bad days though. That, in his opinion, would be hilarious. Sasuke hadn't been around to experience that when it started, since he'd been ignoring the both of them, and Naruko had been grounded.

He had _no idea_ what hell was going to befall them every month form now on...

"...and the only reason I had to hide in the stupid cupboard was because _you_ let _Konohamaru_ come up with the distraction! How much of an _idiot_ are you? I haven't had a decent conversation with Sasuke _all summer_ because of you...!"

Oh god, she was stuck in ranting mode now. God forbid he actually try to escape it... He and Kyuubi had tried that once before... what resulted could best be described as a flour explosion, only made with gunpowder instead of flour...

Rather than antagonize his sister further, Naruto wisely decided to let her rant instead.

"...and if you think you can talk to _me_ about getting a boyfriend, then try having a girlfriend who lasts longer than a _week_ you _man-whore!_"

"Hey! I'm just picky! You're the prude here, not me! You haven't got a clue what you're talking about!" he snapped – there was a line after all.

"Don't know what I'm...?"

she stared at him, then started pulling on her pigtails and let out a howl of frustration, before throwing another bag at him. The clothes flew out, falling all over the room and on his head.

Flapping them off with his hands, he caught hold of something that definitely didn't belong to him. Making a face, he through the creepy contraption back at his sister's face.

"Keep your girly clothes to yourself! Maybe if you figure out how to wear them right, you'll actually get a boyfriend!" he snapped, yelling the last part to her as she stomped out of the room.

Seconds later she stomped back in her face as red as Kyuubi's hair with anger. Naruto paled at the sight; maybe he shouldn't have said that last part after all...

* * *

><p>"Keep your girly clothes to yourself! Maybe if you figure out how to wear them right, you'll actually get a boyfriend!"<p>

"Maybe if you kept your stupid nose out of my business and stopped interfering with my love life, I'd actually _have_ one you asshole!"

Sasuke blinked at the sudden proclamation of hell that filtered down the hallway. He was considering ducking into an alcove somewhere to avoid the angry blonde girl, but the moment of consideration took too long.

She would easily see him ducking out of the way now,and that would just make it worse. No, the best way to stay out of this was to use the same caution used by everyone else when he was in a bad mood – just keep walking and pretend not to notice _anything_.

Unfortunately, Naruko stopped just ahead of him, surprise scrawled across her irritated face. It was only at that point that Sasuke remembered he was ignoring the idiot for teaming up with her brother, dragging him into a cupboard, and getting him accidentally expelled from their old school.

Why did _he_ care that she was in a bad mood, and therefore likely to be snappish?

Reassured by his reasoning, he headed straight past her, ignoring the feeling of utter deflation that swept over him. He was the one ignoring _her_ damn it all! This wasn't _fair!_ How was he supposed to win a war against his own _hormones?_

"Sasuke, wait a second..."

Sasuke stopped so abruptly he stumbled. He realised that the back of his mind had been hoping to hell that she would say something, but ignored it, instead trying to keep the cool façade up.

"What?" he asked, trying his best to sound irritated – the falter on her face told him he had succeeded.

A little bolstered, he managed to look her in the eye, noting the changes that had occurred while he had been ignoring her that summer. Her hair seemed to have been cut shorter. It was still outrageously long, but it was still shorter than it used to be.

He had never figured out how she kept it under control what with it being so long... other than that, and a few other slight changes she was exactly the same. He'd be more comfortable if he didn't pay too much attention to the other changes though...

"I just... look, I'm sorry about the whole... dragging you into this mess..."

Sasuke was about to interrupt her there, but then his eyes landed on something cast over her shoulder. An article of clothing, specifically a...

He had sort of realised that - due to the horrible things called hormones – girls had different... _needs_ clothing wise. He also realised that Naruko was no exception, but he had never actually seen a... _bra_ before... Well, he had seen his mother's on the washing line, and those on washing lines of strangers, but...

"...I told your mother that I got you mixed up in all this before we left this morning so hopefully she won't..."

He hadn't really clicked the two together yet where Naruko was concerned, and he found a sort of morbid fascination in staring at it. It wasn't particularly showy – it was plain black actually – but still! Weren't they supposed to be kinda awkward or uncomfortable or something?

"...I was going to talk to you sooner but I was grounded for the whole summer. My dad confiscated my phone too so I couldn't..."

And how on _earth_ did girls get those little hook bits in the right catch when they couldn't see behind their back? There were about nine different ones! And some of them had wire in, right? Was that even _healthy?_

"...Itachi came round a couple of times though, so he told me you were pissed off, and that your parents went nuts..."

And that was before the sizing thing came into play – he'd seen that on shopping trips when he'd been stuck with his mother before... it was just _scary._ What happened to size eight or twelve or ten? Why the need for letters and big numbers like 34? And what the hell was being measured anyway?

"...so I can understand if you're still mad, but I genuinely didn't mean to... Sasuke are you listening to me?"

Sasuke jerked his eyes back to hers, mind an utter blank. He'd completely forgotten she had been talking to him...

Oh _god_, he was dead, and he hadn't had a chance to rectify all the ignoring he'd practised around her during the summer, and get things back on track. Back on track as in, with the eventual result of a _date_. Someday... that was the plan at any rate.

Only now, judging by the slow furrowing in her eyebrows, he had messed all that up by ogling her underwear like a dumb-ass... or to be more accurate, like her _brother_.

"...On second thoughts, maybe I'll just try talking to you when you feel like having a serious conversation rather than being a perverted idiot with a crotch-brain. See you at the induction later _Uchiha..._" she shrugged, sounding rather weary about something.

It wasn't until he heard the slam of her door, and realised he was still standing in the hallway, that Sasuke realised he had, through sheer accident and bad timing, buggered up his first chance of reconciliation after a summer of uncomfortable silence.

Realisation dawning, Sasuke felt like kicking himself to hell and back, and it wasn't even the first day. Grumbling back down towards his own room, Sasuke pondered what the repercussions of baiting Naruto in a good stress-relieving fight would be...

...he was sure he could live with them.

* * *

><p>"...and yours is even blue! It suits you so well Talia. Me, I get the room with the broken light" Sakura complained to the girl in front of him as they shuffled along the row of seats.<p>

It had taken several attempts to convincing Sakura that they didn't need to be near the front of the room to hear the speech from the headmistress, but Naruko had bribed her with... Sasuke never found out _what_ she bribed her with, but he got the distinct feeling it would involve him, and he was probably safer not knowing.

"Yeah, but you get a coffee table and a whole load of storage space. I just got the wardrobe..." Naruko countered as they all sat down.

Well, everyone except Naruto, who was probably still wandering around the maze of hallways in the dorms somewhere without a sock.

"Yeah well, be glad you two don't have those two idiots on the other side of your wall..." Talia muttered.

"I'm sitting right beside you, you do know that don't you?" he asked exasperatedly.  
>Talia smiled sweetly at him, and Sasuke shivered.<p>

"you promised to stop _doing_ that..." he muttered.  
>"And you promised you and Naruto wouldn't get into trouble this year, but I could hear you two over my headphones. What were you arguing about this time?" the blue-haired girl asked irritably.<p>

Sasuke cast his mind back to the few hours he'd spent in the room with Naruto before heading down to the induction. To be perfectly honest, he couldn't remember _everything_ he and Naruto had been fighting about... they fought about quite a lot of things as habit.

The blinds, the cupboard, the bells Naruto had decorated his headboard with, twister, uniform, bags, jaffa cakes, signs, the beeping noises from Naruto's games console that annoyed Sasuke when he was reading, the fan on Sasuke's laptop that annoyed Naruto when he was napping, whether ramen was (not) healthy...

"I don't know – you'll have be more specific time wise" Sasuke replied, reluctantly.  
>"When you barged down the hall like you were possessed" Naruko added from his other side.<p>

Sasuke jerked his head round, realising after several seconds that she had spoken to him. He'd tried apologising in the corridor on the way down, but she'd snubbed him off. Did this mean he had been forgiven? That was quick. Not that he was complaining...

"...Oh... That was about making the sign for the door... So... did you get out much during the summer? My brother heard form Kyuubi that you got your art stuff got confiscat-"

"We don't need a sign for the door though – the school is getting engraved plates for next week!" Sakura interjected from the other side of Naruko.

Sasuke glared at her with infuriated venom. Could she not see he was trying to worm his way back into Naruko's good books here? Judging by that snarky little smirk, she did, and was interfering just for the fun of it.

Dang it, that was Talia's influence! He'd have to rectify that – he didn't want Sakura interrupting him.

Unlike Naruto's attempt at flirtus interruptus, Sakura was smart. She might actually do damage! He might have to pay extra attention to her so she'd go off into the scary dreamland she often occupied, but if needs must...

"Have you tried telling Naruto that?" he hissed through gritted teeth.  
>"What's wrong with making a sign? I'm making a sign!" the Naruko demanded, turning a set of suddenly re-hostiled eyes towards him<p>

"You're here on an art scholarship – you have an excuse for excessive creativity" Talia clarified; Sasuke breathed a mental sigh of relief when Naruko dropped the glare.

Naruko crossed her arms huffily, sinking down in her chair in a manner that, had her mother seen it, would have earned her the hiding from hell, and a lecture on what crossed the line of being a tomboy.

"That and you're related" Sakura added.

"Alright, just to make it clear, _again, _being related to my brother is _not_ something I had any control over, and we aren't _identical!_ We're _diozygotic twins!_ Just because we _look_ alike and both like something it doesn't mean its a genetic thing!" Naruko blustered at the pink haired girl.

"You both like ramen, orange, alternative subjects to anything with a lot of bookwork, you both hate geography, re-wrote the record for greatest prank ever achieved back home, you're both allergic to dogs, oversleep, and drive Sasuke nuts. Admittedly that's for different reasons but it essentially results in the same-"

"_Talia!_" Sasuke hissed, hoping to god Naruto wasn't here to start on the _'stalking'_ thing, and that Naruko missed the brief implication.

"We're! Not! _Identical!_ There's no_ such thing _as identical male and female twins! It's biologically impossible!" Naruko snapped, completely oblivious to his unease.

"Oh, for the love of fire, calm down, and eat this" Sakura replied with a roll of her eyes, digging around in her brightly patterned rucksack and sticking a chocolate bar under her blonde friends nose.

Sasuke stared in perplexity as the two started muttering back and forth, Naruko occasionally giving Sakura chunk of the chocolate, her waspy demeanour suddenly vastly less testy. Maybe not genial, but definitely not testy.

"...Am I ..._missing_ something here?" he asked Talia.  
>"Nothing you'd want to know Sasuke, trust me" she replied vaguely, fiddling with one of her headphones.<p>

"What?" he asked, more perplexed form that answer that the original query.  
>"It's a girl thing. Turns out that Naruko gets really bitchy when-"<br>"_Never mind_" Sasuke said very quickly.

"I did tell you that you wouldn't want to know" she singsonged, flicking through her Mp3 player.

"Don't say _that!_ That just tells me everything without any effort on your part!" he retorted indignantly.

"No, that's your imagination filling in the blanks. It's probably not very _accurate_ – men tend to over think that sort of thing – but I can explain it properly if you-"

"For gods sake I don't want to know _anything_ about the inner-workings of the female body! Or oestrogen or... Girl problems! It's freaking _weird!"_ Sasuke snapped loudly.

Several people turned their heads towards him, alarmed looks or raised eyebrows obvious. Sasuke glared at the blue-haired girl, who concealed her smirk with a bend of her head. Sasuke didn't dare glance at Naruko or Sakura, and prayed to the gods that something would intervene before the ground swallowed him.

"I haven't missed the start have I? That old hag is still outside so..."

Sasuke looked up to see Naruto sliding into the only free seat beside Talia. He was glancing around at the various sullen, shocked, embarrassed expressions, and the lone gleefull one on the faces of his four companions with clear confusion.

"...what the hell is wrong with you guys?" he asked.

Thankfully no-one answered, since the main hall doors had opened, and the school's headmistress (a blonde woman who looked like she'd had two too many breast implants in Sasuke's personal opinion), stalked down the hallway, and up the steps onto the stage at the end of the hall.

"Quiet down you brats!" she barked at a particularly noisy corner (occupied by another blonde girl, a boy with tattoos on his face, and a boy in the green sports uniform like Naruto was).

It didn't seem to be going very well, so Sasuke took advantage of the confusion to pull a bottle of water from his backpack. He hadn't had anything to eat all day, such was the chaos at the moment, but until he could get to the nearest village and buy some snacks for the lock-box under his bed... water would have to do, since the canteen wouldn't be open until later that evening.

"Welcome to Konoha boarding school; many of you may know this school from it's history of educational excellence across Fire Country, as well as it's intriguing history. my name is Tsunade Senju, and I've been headmistress here for thirty years-"

Sasuke's eyes bugged in his skull and he choked on the water he was drinking. It wasn't until he got a combined thump on the back from Naruko and Talia that he could breathe again. That blonde woman had been teaching for _thirty years?_ She looked barley a day older than her mid-twenties! What kind of super surgery was she _having?_

"...and I intent to maintain that excellence as long as I can. this school was established by my great-grandfather 250 years ago, originally as a boarding house for those travelling to the area. Some of the guest-books still remain and are on display at reception. Unfortunately, an... unpleasant incident occurred, and it was closed..."

...unpleasant incident? Sasuke didn't much like the sound of that. 250 years ago or not, the words _'unpleasant'_ and _'incident'_ simply didn't mesh well together. Sakura looked positively green as her imagination supplied her with many suggestion of what the words implied.

"...it was abandoned for a few years, until it was re-opened as the boarding school it is now. The rules can be looked at in your own leisure if you haven't checked them already..."

Sasuke highly doubted that Naruto even knew which _page_ of the acceptance documents had the rules on them. Or even if he still had it. In either case, he certainly wouldn't be looking up school rules during his free time. Even though Sasuke wished he would, if only for the sake of variety.

"...we have strong international exchange programmes with schools both in Wind and Lightning Country, and a select group of students will be give the opportunity to visit one of these schools for three months later in the year..."

Three months in another _country?_ Sasuke didn't speak either of the languages in Wind or Lightning, but three months away form Naruto was worth taking one of them up. No doubt the selection process was based on grades, attendance and behaviour. He'd have one of those places in a _snap..._

Maybe this school wasn't so bad after-

"...other events before that will include the annual school camping trip, the school play, and a week long Parents visit, but those will be dealt with more closely by your registration teachers nearer the time..."

This school was hell. Absolute _hell_. Camping? _Camping?_ They expected him to go camping? And his parents would be here for a whole week? No! That was just cruel!

"...students wishing to get a job are allowed providing they only work on weekends, and Friday evenings to avoid affecting their school work. The village itself has several job openings, especially at Danzou's Scrapmetal. Student cars must have their number plate registered at reception..."

That... was fairly reasonable – he'd go look at that scrapyard place at the weekend. Itachi would be brining his car down (hopefully unharmed) this Wednesday, so he wouldn't have to walk the two or three miles to the village either.

"...students engaging in illicit activities of _any kind _will be expelled on the spot, so forget any funny business. Scholarship students should speak to Ibiki in finance as soon as possible to get their funding sorted. Any illnesses, allergy, or medication needs and relevant paperwork, should be given to our Nurse, Shizune, with the same haste if they haven't already..."

He glanced at Naruko from the corner of his eye, and caught the glare she was sending her brother. He hoped the idiot didn't bother trying to do his paperwork himself again. That first time at the reception with the directions had been bad enough...

Sasuke had to wonder what the woman meant by illicit activities though... that was just drugs and smoking and stuff... right?

"...That is all I have to say to you for now. Class lists will be posted on dormitory noticeboards this afternoon. Please make sure you go to the right one, and try to enjoy your stay here." Tsunade finished, disappearing down to one side of the stage to speak to a brown haired woman in a white doctors coat.

...What did she mean _'Try'_ to enjoy themselves? That sounded... unnervingly ominous, and he couldn't help but see why.

Sasuke had to admire the woman for keeping things to the point, but glancing at his companions... he could help but wonder if he should try and escape now rather than later (when security would be higher).

With friends like his... he was bound to need a psychiatrist after six months here.

Reluctantly, Sasuke go to his feet and followed the other few scholarship students over to a man with a scarred bald head seated at a desk alongside one wall. Like the twins, his parents had not had the necessary cash sums to pay the schooling fees, so he was here on a science scholarship.

Meaning his mandatory subjects were Maths, Geography, Chemistry, Biology, and Physics. The only subjects he had been free to choose were Art, Drama, and General Language. He still had to go to the two lessons of mandatory Sports, Religious Education, and Student Advisory classes though.

Given the choice, he'd rather have applied for the arts scholarship (and that was _not_ because Naruko had), but his book grades were unfortunately better than his non-book ones. He'd never have chosen this timetable of his own free will.

Oh well, he could just blame Naruto for that. It wouldn't be the first time one of Sasuke's problems had been his fault, and it certainly wouldn't be the last. In all honesty, Sasuke was certain that he would probably be blaming a lot of things on Naruto before the year was out.

He found that his conscience didn't object to that too much.

* * *

><p><em>Wow... It's been a long time since I've written something this long. Also something so full of crack-humour. I usually try to avoid it... Humour isn't my strong point really, but maybe after this, I'll improve.<em>

_This story is very much a collaborative effort between myself and _Chidori-Blossom237_. It is based off of a series of Cosplay Videos... Or are they based off this? I can't really remember any more. There are differences, there are similarities. Probably easier if I say they're both based of each other^^_

_Either way, she gets full credit for ideas and scenarios that happen in here. I just do all the writing. Anyone interested in seeing our Cosplay Videos can find them on YouTube. Just type _'Konoha Boarding School'_ into the search box. There are five numbered videos, a special, and a Blooper Reel._

_Just to be clear, there will be no regular update schedule at all for this story. It is purely muse/plot-bunny-based, and I write the chapters in sections depending on what ideas myself or Chidori come up with. They don't usually occur in chronological order, so... Yeah, this is gonna be a loooooong story. Both time and chapter wise._

_People on here who know my writing are probably wondering who Talia is and why I broke my _'No-OC's-ever'_ rule. Talia belongs to Chidori, and I guess the person who plays her in the cosplay skit too. That's it. I ain't writing any more OC's for any fic other than my in-planning original one. Unless they're Sproglets. I don't count them since they don't usually appear much._

_This is very much a _'Everything-in-Sasuke's-life-gets-ruined-by-Naruto-and/or-life-itself'_ sort of story (cuz Chidori especially _loves_ to torture Sasuke), but it definitely ain't a bashing story. There will be no bashing. Some characters will have a villainous role later, but humorously so._

_...to be honest, the ideas of this fic are so higgledey-piggledey that I don't have the faintest clue where it's going to end up. I have a plan of sorts but... -_-; Some of the ideas ahead make me wonder where my sanity has gone on holiday to..._

_In any case, I hope you guys like this fic, and con-crit on the humour thing would be greatly appreciated. See any Brit-lish spelling errors, lemme know about those too._

_Nat._  
><em>xxx<em>

* * *

><p><strong>Next time on Konoha Boarding School!<strong>  
><strong>Chapter 2: A New School – Classroom Chaos.<strong>

* * *

><p>"<em>Help me look for my sock you asshole!"<br>"...Those two? Studying together? Oh yes, I'm sure they're getting along just fine!"  
>"Is he a eunuch or just asexual?"<br>"If that was an attempt to kick me under the table, then you failed miserably"  
>"This is war you pink haired freak-of-nature! War!"<br>"You are so weak for ramen..."  
>"What are you doing in my room?"<em>**  
><strong>

* * *

><p>New classes and Classmates leave a lot to be desired. Especially when they're all crazy, and Sasuke finds rolling out of bed a task even at the weekend. Naruto's lack of motivation regarding the Geography report certainly doesn't help.<p> 


End file.
